What if Tobias never Mended?
by awesomelydivergent
Summary: Tris is gone and Tobias has a never-before-seen attitude towards life and it is costly. But what if it wasn't at all how it seems?
1. Chapter 1- Suicide

Hey guys!

My first fanfic so EXCITED!

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**Ok so this is about Tobias Eaton's attitude towards life after what happened to Tris.**

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**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Chapter 1

**Tobias POV**

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I wake up with her name in my mouth and the sight of her bright blue eyes. They are a beautiful shade between a mix of light blue and gray. Were a beautiful shade. That's what death does, makes you change your sentence from present to past tense.

I get out of bed because I know how futile it would be to try and sleep. Everything is so empty, from my house to my heart. She should be here, right next to me, in my arms! I scream in rage and punch the nearest thing I could find, which happens to be a glass full of water. It must be very strong because all I accomplished in doing was knock it off the table. I can't believe she's actually gone. My girl. The one and only person I could ever love.

This is the fourth night in a row I couldn't sleep. Ever since her passing, I haven't left the comfort of this dorm. Besides, nothing out there will bring her back. Nothing. And I have to live with that.

To be honest, I'm not even sure what I am doing is even considered living. I follow my routine like a robot- get out of bed. Eat food. Take a shower. Nap. Eat food. Nap. Eat food. Sleep. Wake up.

Usually when a person is grieving a loved one, it ends after a while. They can't handle the emptiness. They learn to _move on_. But the problem is, I don't want to move on. I don't want to forget. I want to remember everything about her. Those beautiful eyes, her blonde curls, how she never realized that she's not ugly. She's perfect.

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" I holler at no one in particular. I recall one of my fears of being smashed like a pancake after unsuccessfully jumping off the building. Now after all those years, it doesn't sound too bad. It almost feels... relieving.

As soon as my foot stepped onto the ledge of the building, my urge to connect with the ground vanished. I relive my thoughts on why I came here. What is necessary to be done. I give myself five seconds- a mere five seconds before I must do what is right. Five- Be brave. Four- Four fears. Three. Two. One. _I love you Tris_

And suddenly, I am unbalanced_. _The next thing I know, I am engaged in a head dive, plummeting towards the cracked concrete. No. No, I am flying. Flying as graceful as an eagle, soaring high and low. And I enjoy this moment before I squash into a pancake and become one with the pavement. _Until we meet again._

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Author Note: OMG! How was that? It's not that bad, is it? I want to know if I am the only one who thinks Allegiant should be rewritten. I mean I love Veronica Roth but I really don't favor the ending.


	2. Chapter 2- Survivor

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Chapter 2- Survivor

Anonymous POV

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I watch as the boy's body leaves the top of the building. It lands on the pavement below- hard. His fragile body makes a crunching noise on the impact, no way he survived the fall. I go over to the body and immediately recognize it. He is- no was Tobias Eaton. Evelyn and Marcus's son. I feel nothing for him, nothing. Just numbing. Not even pity. After all, his parents abused him and that, is no way to raise a child. I look at him and see what's left of him. He is very handsome, with dark hair and deep blue eyes. His body is toned and fit, like he could prance at any second. I reach out to touch him, and pull over his eyelids. Such a young boy. His see- through t-shirt allows the tattoos that take over his back to be seen.

The tattoos that cover his body, meaningless.

The ball with the flame.

The eye.

The scale, the tree, and the two hands.

The factions are gone.

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Tris POV

I finally escaped that labyrinth, what they call the Bureau of Genetic Welfare. I camped out in the outside of the building for a few hours so that people would think I'm dead. Just enough time to let the effects settle in. Of course, they wouldn't remember me. Or anything.

What they don't know is this.

I'm alive.

And I'm out for revenge.

* * *

_'"Don't move," David says, raising his gun. "Hello Tris."_

_"How did you inoculate yourself against the death serum?" he asks me. _

_"I didn't," I say._

_"Don't be stupid. You can't survive the death serum without an inoculation and I'm the only person in the compound who possesses that substance. I suppose it no longer matters."'_

_'I twist and lunge toward the device. The gun goes off and pain races through my body. I don't even know where the bullet hit me._

_I can still hear Caleb repeating the code for Matthew. With a quaking hand I type in the numbers on the keypad. The gun goes off again. The green button.' _

* * *

They didn't know.

Before I went into the room, I stripped Caleb of his bulletproof vest and put in myself. The bullet never entered my stomach.

I'm breathing.

I'm a survivor.

And I'm not done.

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AN: Don't worry there are a few chapters more to this story. I just hope more people read and review this story. Be brave.


	3. Chapter 3- Bittersweet

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Chapter 3- Bittersweet 

**Tris POV**

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I stand as still as a statue, in front of the gates to Chicago. The material feels so foreign and hot from the heat it has collected from the sun. I yank my hand and blow on it, still burning from the touch. I consider the sun to be a phenomenon, so high and bright in the sky. It always amazes me, how it has illuminated the city for generations upon generations. In my perspective, the sun is a yellow circle. However, in my science class I once saw a close-up of it, a giant star- like an orangey- red fireball. The sun sits so safely on its perch- nothing to destroy it or challenge it's massive size.

I wonder what it's like to be huge, and safe not having to worry about losses and just burn brighter than anything else.

I would never know.

The few glimpses I've been able to gather of myself are horrifying. My face is pale and full of fresh cuts. My lips are cracked, beyond repair. My eyes are dim and take a more grayish color than the blue-gray I used to have. Black bags have collected under my eyes, and I have lost a lot of weight. I always knew I was skinny but now I can count many of my ribs. _Sickening._

As I trudge through the compound, I think about what I have missed in the two weeks I have missed. I wonder what happened to my friends. My enemies.

Christina. Zeke. Peter. Cara.

Caleb.

Tobias. His name leaves numbness in my mind and gives me an ache. _What if he moved on already? A new girlfriend? How much has changed?_

Foolish thoughts have raided my mind. He wouldn't do that. He's better than that.

Tobias will be welcoming me home with open arms, ready embrace that.

I can feel it.

I also feel nauseous. I throw up on a dried patch of grass. The color of the vomit is matching with the grass. Lately I have been having cramps, very bad ones. I might be sick with the flu. I mean it is winter, and a layer of snow covers the city.

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When I reach the entrance of the compound after hours of tiredness, the realization hits me. _How stupid of me to think that I can travel to the Hancock Building on foot. _I search for an automobile and find a truck parked next to a tree. Thank goodness for the Amity's strong trust in one another, because a few yards away from the truck is a metal pole sticking out of the car baring keys. The only reason the keys are stuck to the pole is because they are clipped on. I pull the only one of the two left on there.

I jam the key into the handle on the driver's side and see that it doesn't work. Fortunately, the second key works. As soon as I sit inside the car, the smell of garbage reeks into my nose. _No wonder this was left behind. _In the back seat are piles of spoiled bananas.

_Bananas of all the things!_

I roll down the window with a black crank attached to the door. The grip of the wheel is enough to intimidate me, the car could crash at any second while I attempt to drive.

I press on the accelerator and the car jolts forward into the pole.

_Nice Tris. You haven't even tried yet and you crash the car._

I decide to inspect the damage later as I turn the wheel to the right and swerve onto the road. I fairly remember the way back to the dauntless compound- just follow the deserted train tracks.

I can't seem to control the speed and wheel so occasionally I hit into obstacles such as garbage cans. _Whoops!_

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The Hancock building is just ahead, so I press on the other pedal- I think it's called the brake. The keys are safely stashed in my pocket as I ditch the car and run with energy; knowing that everything will be alright. People inhabited this building and look at me as I run inside. I do recognize a few faces, but that's it.

I rush up to the receptionist and blurt out the question that has haunted me for hours, "Where's Tobias Eaton? Four?"

The receptionist, he's shorter than me and has an annoying, frilly voice when he responds, "Tobias Eaton's body was found outside of this building a few days ago. It appeared that he jumped off. I'm sorry, who are you?"

And at that moment, I can't breathe.

_Tobias, what have you done?_


	4. Chapter 4- Sick and Sad

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Chapter 4- Sick and Sad

**Tris POV**

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I slowly walk out of the building, people pushing me as I try to make my way through. My throat is constricting and I need to breathe in air. Not this excuse for shelter. As soon as I step out into the yard, the cold weather engulfs me, reminding me to find a change of clothing. I've been wearing a sweatshirt this whole time. It's likely that I am sick.

I find an isolated place under a tree and sit down. I prop my knees up and place my head in it, my arms cradling it.

_Am I such an important figure in his life that he couldn't stand losing me? Why couldn't he have just waited for me? How could he have lost faith in me that quick? _

I start bawling like a baby, the tears dripping from my face and staining my clothes. People give me odd stares but I don't care.

I lost him.

Forever.

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I don't eat anything that night as I climb into the bed in the room I was assigned. Talking to anyone would be unbearable. My stomach grumbles and I tell it to hush. I haven't eaten in a day, but whatever. Unfortunately, my stomach decides to be stubborn and to continue creating noises. I turn to my right side, next to the faulty lamp attached to the wall. It is surprising how they converted this empty building into an apartment in such a short amount of time. The bed creaks as I try to massage my leg- I have another bad cramp.

The space overwhelms me, it's so empty. How cozy it would be to snuggle up with him in the bed, together.

It reminds me of how I finally got over my seventh fear a few weeks ago. And it was worth it.

He was a part of me.

I was a part of him.

Just thinking about him alone makes me miss him.

When I found out about what happened, I was silently praying that by some miracle- he could have only broken his back. That he could survive the fall. Anything but death.

My eyelids start to close and I am about to fall asleep. But I feel something tickling me. I try to scratch my arm but when my hand reaches it I look up at horror.

"EWWW! BUG! EWWW!" I'm normally not afraid of the diseased creatures but this one was scary. It was a HUGE cockroach. And I mean HUGE.

I look to see that I am now on the floor, and squished the bug with my forehead. Disgusting. It's body is completely squashed and is dripping down my eyebrow. The glass of water on the nearby table finds its way to my hand and I dump it on my face.

I rush to the bathroom and wash my face for at least a thousand times when I feel bile surging up its way in my throat. I grab the toilet and puke my guts out.

_I have a feeling that this wasn't the cockroach's fault._

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AN: I've held many cockroaches in my hand before (the Madagascar Cockroach) and their huge. I'd be scared if I found one in my bed. I mean what if I sleep with my mouth open? Or what if it climbs into my glass and water, and then I get thirsty and then I drink cockroach water?! I'd probably die...

Anyway I love Divergent.

Just putting it out there.

Have you watched the new trailer, the two minute and thirty second one? I love the actors (especially Shailene Woodley) but I think the movie is going to suck. Well its not March yet so...you never know!

This is an extremely long Author's Note.

Thanks for reading!

Be brave.


	5. Chapter 5- Impostitories

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Chapter 5- Impositories

**Tris POV**

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I don't eat as much anymore- there's really no point. The realization has finally hit me.

_Everyone dies. Sooner or later._

It wouldn't make a difference if I died now, tomorrow, or next year. Nothing would happen. Everything and everyone would move on. Well, I have no one left.

My stomach doesn't ask for food anymore and I am extremely grateful, everything just comes back out. Once in a while, I'll have a sandwich or some lettuce leaves. Water is the only substance that enters my body unquestioned.

The bones in my body are clearly visible, and I am always exhausted.

I'm sick.

I'm dying.

I know that. And I'm okay with it. I lived my life and have seen things that normal teenagers shouldn't have to worry about. I remember one year ago, I was selfless and never thought about where I would be when I'm older. That I would never leave Abnegation.

I miss it.

One week ago, I stopped functioning when I found out about Tobias's death. Ever since then, I make sure to only leave my room in emergencies.

I don't want anyone seeing me like this. It would be unbearable.

The sleepiness overwhelms me and I drift off into a nap.

_Sweet dreams..._

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The pounding on my door sends a jolt through my body.

_Who could that be?_

I tip-toe across the floor in an attempt to peek through the peep-whole. Did I mention I was, again, too short to reach through.

So instead of following through with my plan for agility, I end up falling over my legs, and breaking the fall with my face.

_Ouch._

"I know you're in there Tris! Now let me IN!" Christina yelled with an emphasis on the 'in'. I can't open the door because then she'll see me. I come up with a better idea.

"Herro, nobo-ty home, just cleaning laaaady!" I say in the best accent I could pull.

"TRIS OPEN UP THE GODDAMN DOOR OR I WILL DO IT!" Dang I thought my accent would really work.

Time for Plan-B! "Uhhh, I would love to but I am taking a shower. Would you be so kind to leave and let me cleanse myself in peace, hmm?"

I guess she believed it because I hear the loud echos of her footsteps down the hall and away from the room. Maybe I should take a shower. I smell like... well it's pretty bad.

In the shower-

I sing this song I once heard other boys singing. I don't completely understand the lyrics but it is amazingly catchy.

_I you like big butts and I cannot lie_

_You other brothers can't deny_

_(singing)_

I grab my towel when I'm finished and dry myself off. Removing the towel is the most painful part, letting in the cold air. The invisible hairs on my body rise and small bumps form everywhere.

My hands grab some random clothes tossed on top of the cabinet I put there earlier. When I look into the mirror- there's no way of hiding it. My pants and shirt are too large, they once used to be tight. My face is all bones and so is my body.

My ears keen on the voice outside and I know I am not alone.

"Tris. Come out. Please." How the fudge did she get into my fricking house? This woman knows no bounds!

I can't avoid it so I twist the doorknob. She takes one look at me and her face contorts into a look of disturbance.

"Tris what happened to you?"

"Is it that bad?" I ask while fidgeting my fingers. She nods in agreement and says something that scared the - out of me.

"You need to see a doctor."

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"No way. NO. NOOOOOOOOOO! I'm not seeing a DOCTOR. I am PERFECTLY fine CHRISTINA."

"Tris you look like a pile of moving bones." she responds not knowing how pissed I am.

I refuse again only to be surprised by her bold answer.

"IF YOU DON'T COME BY FREE WILL, I WILL PERSONALLY DRAG YOU AND ALL YOUR SHIT DOWN TO THE - DOCTOR AND YOU WILL NOT LIKE IT."

Aw geez, I'm caught. I slump my shoulders in surrender and follow Christina out the door. Onward, to treatment.


	6. Chapter 6- Sedatives

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Chapter 6- Sedatives

**Tris POV**

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I don't listen to other people very well, do I?

Because as soon as Christina and I walk out my door, she turns left. I turn right.

Before I know it, she's chasing me down the hall screaming my name. As I try outrunning her, I push people away in the process. Including one pregnant lady. She bounces on her baby bump- something I thought was impossible. I'm one hundred percent sure that she had a miscarriage- right then and there.

_Great Tris, now you're after babies._

However my malnutrition gains the upper hand and my lungs give out. I collapse on the floor and Christina pins me down.

"See this is exactly why you need to eat. You can't even run anymore!" She hollers in my face.

"Christina, I- I-, please don't make me see a doctor! I'll eat- I'll eat! Just please give me a chance!" I beg, knowing that I can't go to a doctor. Then I'll be labeled sick and mental.

She gives me a hard look and I believe that I have won.

Until she picks me up and drags me to the hospital.

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I'm fighting and kicking the entire way- helpless victims of my punches fall to the ground.

Including my doctor.

"Dude! What the hell?" Christina roars in a patronizing tone.

"I DON'T NEED A F*CKING TREATMENT!"

Before I can start a brawl, a nurse rushes in and injects a sedative in me.

* * *

This is not where I was before. The room is all white and smells like bleach. I didn't believe the Dauntless were capable of having such a room. I'm about to press the large call button but decide against it. Instead, I rip the needles out of my arm like there's no tomorrow. Oh wait, I forgot that's not funny anymore, since I've almost experienced not having a tomorrow.

I try to be as quiet as possible- if you count having my foot stuck on the bed; causing it to make a loud screeching noise. My legs jerks backward and I fall on my nose- letting out the most bloodcurdling scream.

_Wow Tris, wow. You can make your nose bleed but you can't leave a room without being a total klutz. _

The doctor and nurses rush in. So does Christina. She has a look of disappointment on her face.

Like I care.

Okay. Maybe I do.

The doctor rubs his jaw and lets his hand fall to reveal a large bruise. The one I put there. Suddenly I feel trapped. Like in the Erudite lab where Jeanine held me captive.

They're going to hurt me. They'll hand me over to Jeanine. I can't let that happen.

"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME!" I laugh crazily, with bubbly foamy saliva dripping from my mouth. They think I'll break for them. That I'll tell them.

"Tris, look at yourself!" Christina mobilizes only to be pushed aside by the same nurse from earlier.

She's going to sedate me.

No. She won't.

Because I lunge at her and inject the needle filled with the sedative from earlier. Her eyes roll to the back of her head and falls to the floor with a thump. That must be painful, landing on your head.

Unable to see the bigger picture, I feel a needle in the back of my neck and everything starts spinning.

Then there's nothing.

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AN: So Tris is an anorexic person.

Yep.

Nothing else.

NOTHING.

Don't forget to peel your bananas!

Be brave.


	7. Chapter 7- Disorders

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Chapter 7- Disorders

**Tris POV**

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I rub my eyes with my hands as I pull myself up from the bed. Still in the hospital. The memories of the past hour come back to me in the form of a headache.

The doctor walks my way and I think of something cocky to say, "What, are you going to sedate me again? Can't think of anything better?"

I wonder why the sedative works on me. I'm immune to all serums, but not this one. Strange.

He mumbles something unpleasant under his breath. "No, I'm not going to do that because sedating you won't accomplish anything, my child."

This infuriates me. Why do I seem like a child to everyone. Although, I do look like one. Maybe if I had breasts, it wouldn't be too bad. So while all the other girls adapted the habit of wearing a bra, I stuck out like a sore thumb. So I wore undershirts instead.

This still doesn't help the cause. Now that I lost all that weight with my disease.

* * *

Being interrogated, or "questioned" as the doctor insisted, still annoys the crap out of me. Literally.

Did it ever occur to him that I haven't pooped in days?

I snuggle under the sheets of my hospital bed and try to stay warm. People walk around casually without sleeves, I don't understand.

_It's freezing!_

The doctor eventually comes back to my small room and by the looks of his face, has something to announce.

"Tris, you have an eating disorder, but I'm not sure what it is. Here in the report, you responded that you know you aren't fat, and are not afraid of gaining weight. It appears that because of the deaths of many of your loved ones, you have stopped eating. Similar to how a person sometimes goes mute after facing events similar to yours."

"And, what does that mean?" I ask unsure of what any of this has to do with my... problem.

"It means that you don't have to stay as long as we originally planned. After maybe two weeks? You can, leave."

I stay silent. It's not that I don't want to gain weight. It's not that at all.

I'm done trying.

Every time I try, I lose something. Life scars me over, and over again.

It's a repetitive cycle- or game.

And I'm sick of it.

"However, there is another subject we must attend to." Oh yeah. I forgot the man was still here, "Your problem is... that you are suicidal. And I'm guessing this is why you have stopped eating. But Tris, you have to know that hardships are no reason to discontinue living. Otherwise, the human race would cease to exist." This feels like a slap in the face. After everything- everything, and he's telling me to forget about the losses.

He's telling me to move on.

This next part makes me wonder what's going on in his mind, "Do you believe that your loved ones would be proud, seeing you like this. Wouldn't they want you to be strong?"

My fist connects with his jaw and I hear a faint pop. How dare he talk about my family like that.

About Tobias like that.

But as soon as I am about to walk out the door, I jump over the doctor's head, avoiding getting my feet bloody.

However, my head starts to pound and it hurts like crazy. I feel dizzy and sway back and forth as I try to escape this labyrinth of a hospital.

I fall to the ground before I can walk out the door.

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AN: OHMY TRIS? WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO YOU?!  
Wait a minute, I'm the author, I would know.  
AND I DO KNOW! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

I'LL POST THE NEXT CHAPTER SOON!

DON'T FORGET TO PEEL YOUR BANANAS!

Be Brave.


	8. Chapter 8- Tubes

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Chapter- Tubes

**Christina POV**

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I hate seeing her like this. She was always the strong one no matter what. It baffles me on how that could change in such a short period of time.

I wouldn't know.

Losing your parents, and boyfriend was really hard on her. But boyfriend isn't the right word. They were much more than that.

I miss her.

My friend.

Tris.

* * *

**Tris POV**

I wake up with a foggy feeling in my head, and the past events come back to me. A lot of interesting things happened yesterday.

My favorite part was punching the doctor.

"HEY I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! YOU HEAR THAT DOC?" I shout into the room. Surely, they have cameras and sound recordings in my room. I want them to know that I despise them in every way, shape and form possible. But I think they could guess that from my aggressive behavior.

"Glad your awake Tris." A new doctor enters the room, ignoring the fact that I just insulted him. He raises his eyebrow but that's all he does to notion that he heard what I screamed across the hospital at two in the morning. All of a sudden, a baby in the distance starts wailing.

I like to think that was not my fault.

"What happened to my doctor? Couldn't handle me?"

"No, he is currently suffering from a dislocated jaw. Any clue on how that happened?" he says irritated. I blow some air out of my mouth and do my best to shut up. I can feel my efforts working.

"We need you to start treatment immediately, because you are very weak and keep passing out. And when I say this, I mean it. Do you enjoy having pipes in your throat? If not, you'll have to learn." This is the Dauntless doctor, they are so cruel to their patients. Perhaps I deserve it. After all, I did nearly kill one.

He steps forward and walks to me. I see a nurse insert something in my arm and it makes me feel good. However, I worry when I see a long tube, in which the food will travel downward into my stomach.

I don't understand why they didn't just knock me out and place the tube inside me. Instead, they keep me awake and say that they can't give me Anastasia because I need to feel it go down into my stomach.

Pain overwhelms me and I find myself kicking and punching the air until all the nurses have me pinned down to the bed. One opens my mouth and shoves the darn thing down my esophagus. It HURTS.

My tongue licks the tube, trying to get used to it. My throat is now sore from the unidentified object in my body and I don't blame it.

I see liquefied versions of the everyday health foods. Vegetables must be all that's being tube-fed to me because it tastes disgusting.

"Haa log wiiwl I eed tis fow?" I say unable to pronounce many of the letters. Many of the nurses give me puzzled looks.

The doctor seems to understand what I was trying to communicate,"About one week."

I can't handle five minutes of this thing.

This is going to be a hell.


	9. Chapter 9- Discharged

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Chapter 9- Discharged.

**Tris POV**

* * *

I hate this tube. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

My mouth is completely dry, something I didn't think possible. I beg the nurses to take it out, but they won't. I promise them that I'll eat, to just remove the stupid thing; but they don't.

Probably because they don't trust me. I can't say that I blame them.

Christina comes in to visit me, every now and then. But I can't help remembering that one time I asked her about my brother. She bit her lip nervously and tried to change the subject. I immediately knew why she was overcome by nervousness. My own brother didn't even want to see me.

Even when I supposedly 'sacrificed' myself for him.

The only person I have left is Christina. And it's more than I could have hoped for. A few times, Zeke and Cara have visited me, but nothing more. They still are weirded- out by me surviving. And that I indirectly caused Tobias's demise. Which I did, no matter what my therapist might say otherwise.

* * *

**_Two weeks later..._**

Today, I am especially pleased to know that I will be discharged. One week ago, the stinking tube was removed from my esophagus and my throat has been heeling. But the soreness persists, making my throat raw with sores that scare the fudge out of the medics. Enough to receive a prescription of certain pills from the doctor.

My departing clothes are handed to me by a nurse- who is smiling way too much. I get dressed slowly, as I watch myself in the mirror. I have this urge to shield my eyes from the sight, though people have been telling that I am improving. However, the layer of fat is not enough to cover my protruding ribs. What little development I had of curves and breasts, are gone. Far beyond repair. I was never desirable in the first place. So this doesn't concern me.

What does concern me is that I still shiver in cool weather, and find myself wearing extra layers.

It's been around five weeks since Chicago has become it's own city without control of the bureau. However, being trapped in the hospital for forty percent of that time. Now people, excluding the medical practitioners, see me as a sick and feeble girl. Which I might as well be.

I exit the bathroom fully dressed and leave the hospital behind me. Hopefully I won't have to go back for a long, long time.

I do my best to stride with pride, as if I was unaffected and undamaged by anorexia. But take one look at my hollow cheeks, and it's a no-brainer. I meet Christina and she takes me back to our apartment. Mine was confiscated and I am not trusted to take care of myself. So I moved in with her.

As we enter, I notice that all my belongings have been brought in before-hand. By who, that's not a mystery. "Thanks for, all this. I would be dead if not for you."

"That's what best friends are for." Christina replies. The war hasn't managed to destroy our friendship.

"Uhh, where's the bathroom?" I try to stay calm, but I'm not calm. The bile rises up my throat and threatens to escape. Christina must notice this and points in the right direction. I run off and fling the door open. I manage to make it to the toilet right in time because I couldn't hold it anymore. It all comes out.

Even my breakfast.

I rise and see that Christina is right behind me, holding my hair. Just when I think I'm done, another wave hits and puke into the toilet. My doctor told me to disregard this, to keep eating. So that's what I do at lunch, and dinner.

My doctor also told me to get a lot of sleep, which meant going to bed at eight o'clock. I sleep in the spare bedroom, while Christina sleeps in the master bedroom across the hall. I have brief dreams of me. Me with my mom. Me with my dad. But never me with my brother. Because that makes me tear up. I know I shouldn't care about him, but he's my last kin. And he doesn't even care about me.

The lights come on suddenly and Christina rouses me, screaming in fear. At first I don't understand what's wrong until I feel something wet surrounding me in the bed.

I'm bleeding. Enough to cover all the sheets, and comforter which were just washed. I start apologizing to Christina for soiling all her sheets but she looks at me like I'm crazy. She tosses me some socks and shoes, and she ties them on while I put my hair in a pony-tail.

I wonder if I'm okay.

Definitely not.

* * *

At the hospital, I am rushed to a room no matter my protests of feeling fine. "Really, I'm okay!" No one listens.

The heart monitor machine beeps but that's all I can recognize. Before I can analyze the past events, the delusions take over.

* * *

"She doesn't know."

"Well we're going to have to tell her."

"She'll be devastated."

Bits of the conversation enter my head and I wake up sluggish. They glance my way and deliver news that will change my life.

"Ah, Tris you're awake. It appears that you've had a miscarriage."


	10. Chapter 10- Animal

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Chapter 10- Animal

**Tris POV**

* * *

Every emotion possible runs through my head. Anger. Relief.

Shock.

It is cruel of me to even think of having relief, but I don't think I could do it.

Not without Tobias.

"So... I- I." I can't even say the words. The ones that will determine my faith.

"I know it's hard to accept Tris. But that's not all." I manage to gulp some air down my throat. _Here it comes. You're a killer. It's not enough that you went after people, now you're after unborn children._

Maybe I do deserve to die. The doctor clears his throat and continues,"It appears that you have lost only one of the babies. The other one is still inside of you- growing." He delivers the news with a smile, expecting me to be happy.

But I'm not happy. Nowhere near happy. I can't be a mom. I can't.

Not now.

Not ever.

However the look I have on my face must have not gone unnoticed and the doctor's next option startles me, "You could have an abortion, if you aren't ready for this. Many women see this as a solution, and as your doctor it's my job to make sure you are entirely comfortable with your decision."

This fills me with rage, how dare he suggest that. Even what I've been after, and he thinks I can walk away with that on my chest, satisfied. Hysteria attacks my body and before I know it, I am seized with laughter.

"You want me to kill this- something that's not even in control of itself? I HOPE YOU FU*KING BURN IN HELL YOU SON OF A-" The words leave my mouth and the medics have stunned looks on their faces. They did not expect this. The surprising outburst. I am a trouble maker and no one will change that. My muscles beg to differ, multiple emotions trying to control my body.

I am consumed with a mixture of laughter and crying. Tears pour down my face, my hands not bothering to wipe them off. My being, responsible for countless deaths.

I can't be responsible for another death.

Especially my own child's.

I must seem crazy to everyone in the room, which I do not deny. My hair is wound around my fingers, like a nest. My eyes search for something.

Something that's not there.

This is it. This is the moment where I lose it. Where I can't control my feelings anymore, nor my actions. I'm slipping from this world into a world of chaos and insanity.

I can feel it.

Unfortunately, I am not the only one to sense my instability. A pinching feeling is in my neck and I turn around to see a nurse standing above me- shocked- with a syringe in her hand. My fingers claw at whatever they could find, which happens to be my face.

Blood drips from my cheeks and my tongue flicks to the side, tasting the metallic liquid. I keep scratching until the nurses surround me and enclose a pair of hand cuffs around my wrists and ties me to the bed. There eyes look at me, filled with pity. The realization hits me.

I'm no longer human.

I'm an animal.

A dying animal.

Not yet, but slowly. I avoid thinking about anything, just simplicity. Because I now enter a deep sleep. My eyes close and my head thumps against the bed frame bruising it in the process, and finally hitting the soft pillow. Blankets are tucked to my neck and I no longer want to scream.

I don't want to breathe. I don't want to live.

I'm tired of being Tris.

A heavy cloud fences me and I stop flinching.

Nothing.

Absolute silence.

* * *

AN: Don't kill me for ending it this way, she lives! '"In what condition, I can't say."' - Someone

Who said that quote? Write your answer in the reviews.


	11. Chapter 11- Maybe I'm Crazy

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Chapter 11- Maybe I'm Crazy

**Tris POV**

* * *

I dream about everything. From my parents, to my unborn child. Dreams of my mother and I jumping on trains. My father and I reading a book. Tobias and I getting matching tattoos. I know it must be cheesy for couples to do that, but when I look back now; I wish that we did that.

A piece to hold on. Even if it is just ink on skin.

So far, I have been sedated to keep me calm multiple times. Each time, injecting the chemical into my bloodstream. One point, if this stuff is strong enough to knock me out, than it probably isn't healthy. But as I progress into my pregnancy, I realize that the doctors won't be able to do that, as that could cause another miscarriage. I try to avoid tricky subjects like this.

I could have prevented my miscarriage by eating more healthy. The baby would have been able to develop more and be twins. I don't want to increase the number of deaths I am responsible for.

So now, I eat as much as I can- which is not a lot. The doctor says that since my body was so used to not eating, my appetite has shrunken. Mandatory meals such as breakfast, lunch, and dinner are always prepared for me in the hospital. And I accept them gracefully, one reason being that I don't want to eat through a tube again.

Nurses come by, asking if I feel ready to talk. It's always the same response. As if right on cue, one nurse enters the room with an artificial smile glued to her face. She marches across the tiled floors and places the tray in my lap. A scoop of peas, a chicken leg, and some other goo I don't recognize. Oh yeah- and a carton of orange juice.

She stands patiently as I spoon the food into my mouth and loudly sip the juice. Sadly, I am nowhere near recovery and that means that I can't finish my lunch. I feel full even though half of my meal still stands uneaten.

Honestly, I don't see any improvement despite the doctor's claims that I am eating more and more every day. When the lady notices that I stopped eating, she carefully bends over, picks up the tray, and straightens up again. Her body moves just like a robot, automatic.

Just as I am about to roll over and go back to sleep, she flinches and asks the same question that has been irritating me for the past week. "Are ya ready to speak, Ms. Prior?" No. No I am not ready to talk. I don't say this, of course, because that means I talk. Which I do not.

Instead, I hold my eyelids together tightly and move around my pupils in my eyes. I can see light, but nothing else. This is what it must be like to be blind. Disadvantaged to the rest of the world.

I peel my eyes open and see the nurse's back facing me. She's tinkering with something; I don't know what. Unfortunately when she turns around, in her hand is a syringe. I want to ask what it's for, but words fail me. I can't seem to make my mouth cooperate with my body and my lips are sealed shut. I start to shake wildly in my hospital bed, my hands still handcuffed to the post. I hate being like this.

Powerless.

The nurse slowly approaches me, needle in hand. I think I imaging the part when she starts to laugh maniacally and stabs me with the shot, until it digs into my upper arm.

However, when my body starts to slump, and my head droops to the side, the nurse gives me a horrifying look and presses the call button located on the wall next to me. I think that whatever she injected me with isn't supposed to affect me this way. On call, medics rush into the room as my sanity gives up and I slip away from this world.

* * *

AN: Don't worry, wittle Trissy will live. So...Be brave.

Don't forget to peel your bananas!


	12. Chapter 12- Purple and Green Skin

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Chapter 12- Purple and Green skin

**Tris POV**

* * *

The moment I peel my eyes open, I immediately regret it. The sight before me is horrifying and the pain is excruciating. Along with the immense smell, this is certainly a place I wish I weren't at.

I am lying down in my hospital bed in the ICU and a dozen needles penetrate my skin and are hooked up to machines. They must not be monitoring me as closely as it would seem because someone would have come in by now, since I have awaken.

The skin on my body is a sickly green and I have an urge to vomit. I smell like a dead body, a carcass. Not to mention that I might be.

No I can't be dead.

Is the baby dead?

It can't be. No. NO.

I won't lose another being. Not one that isn't even alive.

Somehow, no matter what happens to those around me, I always pull through. It's like Tobias once said, someone wants me alive; they have special plans for me. Sometimes though, I wish I were dead. To be with the ones I love. And my friends. Will, Marlene, Lynn, Uriah, and... Tobias.

The universe likes to fail me, but in a way a person wouldn't think. After all, I am still alive. I have people who care about me, enough to stab me with needles.

My hearing isn't impaired so I hear the sound of multiple footsteps coming this way. Two nurses pile into my room following the doctor. They're probably here to make sure that I don't attack the doctor. How could I? I am strapped to a bed with needles jammed into my arms. And for the fact that I am exhausted.

"Hello Tris, now that you're awake, you probably want to know why you are here." He gulps and looks at me expectantly, as if I am going to respond. Not today. So instead, I remain in the same position I am now and stare at him straight on. I will not nod, or whisper an approval.

But I do want to know.

When he gestures his hands to the nurses, motioning for them to leave. Whatever he is going to say, must be important. Or at least private.

"You see, the Bureau of Genetic Welfare had many leaders, not just David.", I never thought I would hear that man's name ever again. "They are living hidden across the continent and still believe in a GD population. So they want the genetically pure population to flourish, to thrive, so to say." He clears his throat and continues, "These secret leaders ordered that every female divergent donate her eggs so that GP can be reproduced, instead of GDs. However, those living in the experiment cities were not given a choice and so we had to sedate you in order to do this. We couldn't risk you turning down the offer, especially since you, specifically, are a phenomenon."

That...well I am tired cursing. That thing who calls himself a doctor and the rest of the hospital raped me.

"Unfortunately, Tris, you had an allergic reaction and have lost the baby." He delivers the news with utmost disappointment in his voice. Not disappointment about the loss of my child, but the damaged eggs.

This time, I want to kill this man. I don't want to attack wildly, no the nurses will reach him in time to stop his death. Instead, I calmly wipe my hands off my gown while the doctor mumbles fake apologies about my loss. Little did he know that I was pulling out the needles from my arm.

The moment I undo my straps tying me to the bed I lunge at him. I crave to do permanent damage. So I constantly hit his back, in the spinal cord. My leg repeatedly collides with his backbone, harder each time. By the fortieth kick, I hear a crack from the mid-section of his back. Next I turn him over and hold him up while strangling him.

I don't know where I got the sudden outburst of strength. One time I heard that when under pressure, people can do the impossible. For example, a car once turned over trapping a man's son in the flipped vehicle. So the man, realizing that his son couldn't come out, he lifted the car with his own two hands, -2000 pounds!

This must be what's happening to me now. For my dead child who was never really alive. So I must be a good mother, right? No. No, strangling a person is not considered good parenting.

What does this make me?

I release the man, who is now purple. Nurses come in and haul the doctor out of my sight, who is now sputtering out breaths. I hold up my hands and they cuff me again.

But they go even further as securing a chain around my left ankle. "If you leave your room, you'll be electrocuted." One of the nurses explains while locking the device around my leg. The metal is cold. I have to resist the urge to ask if this is legal. After all I've been through, being raped, legality doesn't matter to anyone anymore, these days.

Something tells me that I'm not going to be off the hook after my actions today.


	13. Chapter 13- Good or Bad

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Chapter 13- Good or Bad

**Tris POV**

* * *

My ankle cuff beeps simultaneously, keeping me awake through the night and day. Visitors are prohibited and I am nothing but thankful. What would I say, anyways? No one bothers talking to me anymore, and I have a new doctor. My mind thinks that I should end my third doctor's life too. Life isn't that valuable to me, anymore. Not after everything I've been through. I am not so confident in my survival, I have lost everything.

My parents.

My friends.

Tobias.

And my child.

Sometimes I wonder what death would be like. If there's an afterlife. Would I go to heaven, or hell? Probably hell, I am not so pure or innocent. It's hard to imagine how much could change in a year. Soon enough though, I'll find out. Let's just say that I haven't been taking care of myself as well as I should be.

I have stopped eating completely, and they have to feed me through a tube. The chunky liquid enters through my throat, and then the medicine. I have eavesdropped on the conversations outside the halls when they think I am asleep, the doctor is paralyzed from waist- down. Will he press charges? I don't know.

It shouldn't matter because I will never rid of this place. When they think I can handle leaving the hospital, I always end up back here.

Infinite questions boggle with my mind, but having no one to ask, I keep my mouth shut. Nurses just think I went mute.

I do not deny it.

I wince at the sudden pain and reach for the bucket, that was placed on the table on my right. It is a white color, and smells of fresh bleach. I try to vomit into the darn thing, but my tube just gets in the way. All my puke ends up getting into the tube and I end up swallowing it.

And the stomach cramps.

Oh the stomach cramps, they come and go, constantly. All day and all night. My mid-section has a fairly small bump on it, and sometimes, I wonder if maybe that's where my baby is. Still growing inside its mommy.

But I know that it's silly to think like that,

However, I can't help to imagine that if it's not a baby, what it could be? A tumor? Could I have cancer?

The medics scan me once a week, never telling me what it's for. I don't sleep for more than about six hours a night, and wake up at different intervals. I can't risk sedation again.

Excitement works my way through my body as a nurse who came into the room announces news. I am clueless to if it is good or bad, life changing, or minor.

"Ms. Beatrice Prior, I have some news that you might want to hear."


	14. Chapter 14- The End Is So Near

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Chapter 14- The end is so near.

**Tris POV**

* * *

What news? What could possibly brighten up my day? Or worsen it. Okay, the news could possibly be both. Or... this is as far as my imagination goes.

I look at the lady expectantly and hope for happy news. However the look on her face tells me that it's not going to be easy to accept. Why does my life have to be so difficult? I mean I'm a sixteen year old! Most teenagers don't spend their lives in the hospital always waking up from nightmares.

She gathers herself, and purses her extremely red lips. I twirl a strand of my hair around my finger. However, what I hear next is not at all what I was expecting. Almost, relieving.

"It appears that in fact- you did not have a miscarriage." Those eleven words changes my life.

My next few words are a jumbled mix, and they're the first thing I have said in weeks, "You mean, I'm gonna, I am, it's...?"

"Yes Ms. Prior, you are going to be a mother, of two."

"TWO?" I exclaim. "Didn't I lose the twin in the first miscarriage?"

"It was believed so, but we were proven wrong in the recent scans."

I am utterly shocked. To think I would not only have one child, but two? This is amazing. I am going to be a mom. Just like my mom.

A single mom.

No, I can't afford to think like that. The past is the past, and I must move on. I have friends who will assist. Christina will certainly be here to help me. I can do this.

"When can I find out the gender?" Hopefully, it will be today that I learn the sexes of my future children.

"In a few months, Ms. Prior. Congratulations." The situation itself is a blessing, I don't even care about the genders. I am going to have children. I am going to be a mother.

When I was younger, I used to wonder why parents were so joyful when having children. I would always walk by complete families, and every single member was radiating. The natural glow that belonged to the mother, even my mom. I tried to understand the happiness, but it never felt real. Not until now, when I am actually becoming a mother.

In this moment, I realize how precious life is. That we must preserve it because it could all be taken away. One minute, calm, and in the next, chaos.

However, when we preserve life, we mustn't deprive our selves of the magic of life. Live every day to its fullest but enough to ensure that we will wake up tomorrow. There is no escape in problems, we have to face them head on. Suicide is not an option. Not when he couldn't even predict the future.

Ever since I was young, I've known this: Life damages us, every one. We can't escape that damage.

But I am also learning this: We can be mended.

We mend each other.


	15. Chapter 15- Sequel

**Okay, this is not an update and/or chapter.**

**After fourteen chapters, I ended the story and I am sad to say that I will not be writing about the pregnancy. However, I will continue with this plot. **

**I just wanted to let you all know that I am making a sequel to my fanfic, What If Tobias Never Mended? **

**But as a warning the sequel might not be that fantastic. It will take place a while after Tris gives birth. **

**So if you liked my first fanfic, you can read the new sequel which will be called: Mending Dishevels**


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